When I was a little girl, I couldn't understand why my mom got so angry with us all the time, seemingly losing her temper on a daily basis. She was younger than I am now when she got married and had my sister and I. At 22, with my youth, inexperience, and fluctuating emotions (which sometimes have more control over me than I have over them), I can't understand how she lasted as long as she did. Taking care of a tiny human that can't communicate is really hard, let alone two of them, and a household, and a husband, and a small business. It's not impossible, because Mrs. Proverbs 31, but still...
1. (of a person) liable to unreasonable changes of mood.
synonyms: volatile, excitable, emotional, overemotional, mercurial, capricious, erratic, unpredictable, changeable, inconsistent, unstable, hotheaded, fiery, explosive, hot-tempered, short-tempered, quick-tempered, irritable, irascible, impatient, petulant, prima donna-ish, melodramatic.
I'm not saying it's good to lose your temper with your kids (or someone else's kids) when life get's stressful, I'm just saying I can understand why it happened so often now, and I'm not mad about it. It's not an unforgivable thing.
Standing in worship today, I felt like a void singing to the Lord. Not in a "filled with beautiful space dust and stars" kind of way, just in a hollow way. That's my normal right now. And before we took communion, I said, "Lord, the only reason I can stand here, is because the chasm is filled by Jesus. I'm only here because you are merciful." I'm working on my understanding of His presence and how to perceive it when my own emotions are so loud. Nevertheless, He must be praised.
At one point, I had to laugh because the drums got so loud, to barely be heard, Terrell decided to play a wild, flourishing glissando ('cause reasons). I'm pretty sure I saw the rest of the worship team turn to him in the Spirit and just go, "Bruh." It was a great day that ended with a soak in the tub, a little "Indigo League", and eight hours of sleep. Hoping for something similar tomorrow and the next day after that; the bubble baths are helping!